Chemotherapy

February 7, 2013

Well campers, its official.

Chemotherapy will start next Thursday, the 14th of February.  It will happen every 3 weeks for 3 months, totalling 4 infusions. Its an interesting spot to be in for me yes, but I think both of us in the sense that its really nice that its not up in the air anymore.  We know now when it is and can start anticipating and preparing our heads for this.  However...its just freaky to try to wrap your head around chemotherapy.  I can't even really put into words how I feel about it. I'm glad she is doing it because this is her life we're talking about here. However, the impression I have in my head anyway is that it might just be cheaper but retain the same effects if we just use Draino. I understand in my head that its good for her and that the drugs are obviously much more complicated and specific than that, but once the docs start explaining how the drugs work and list of possible side effects its hard to reconcile that with how my heart and my emotions conflict with what my head knows.  My head hears "healthy, life-saving, good" and my heart hears, "drugs, killing, dangerous, scary" and so on.  Part of me wants to forgo it all just because it scares the crap out of me to think of all these dangerous and powerful chemicals being inject straight into my wife's heart (literally) but of course that is overridden by the knowledge that this is all intended to completely irradicate any potential remaining sleeper cancer cells...its obvious what the right choice is and thats what we're doing.  The weight of this kind of decision is something that no one has ever considered as something they will actually HAVE to make at any point in life. Most people know about it, know about cancer and chemo but no one has ever considered that they themselves will experience it firsthand. It's just not something that I think we can comprehend as real.

However, when you suddenly find yourself in the place where cancer is your reality, it makes you do two things; a) it makes you re-evaluate the crap you make into important in your life and, b) it makes you either act or fold.  Thankfully my wife chose to act, and so did I.  Once you decide to do that, to respond instead of cave, you begin to realize that it is actually possible to deal with and move beyond something like cancer.  You come to realize that although it still is something you would never expect and want or know how to deal with, you also come to realize that you can. You can.

Step by step, day by day, moment by moment - its possible.  My wife is proof.  I'm proof. So with that, we'll take it day by day from here.  We will prepare as best we can for next Thursday, we'll do something sweet for Valentines day, even if its a nice kiss and a piece of gluten/dairy/sugar/flavor free piece of chocolate in the infusion room.  We will give a nod to the fact that we still have each other and we have the freedom to love each other regardless of what else may be happening.  Nothing can prevent that, nor WILL anything prevent that.

We'll deal about chemo in 3 weeks, 3 weeks from now. Right now, we focus on today.  We focus on tomorrow.  We focus on the first step of chemo next week, instead of drowing under the weight of the whole process.

Please do the same.  Pray for her, for us. Pray that her body will handle it swimmingly.  Pray that she will rebound, and run and eat and not puke, and live like all of her lovely self.  May I even submit a bold request that she doesn't lose her hair.  Why not?  God knit her together in MJ's womb, why couldn't he cause her hair to shuck off the effects of chemo?

God is good.  All the time.

Love,

Jeydrienne